SALEM, OR—To prepare for the influx of Thanksgiving rulebreakers, Oregon Governor Kate Brown has ordered all drug dealers to be freed from prison to make room for all the families who violate COVID restrictions.
“Drugs are legal now anyway,” said Governor Brown. “I hereby pardon all drug offenders currently doing time in Oregon prisons. I can do that, right? Whatever — I’m doing it. The real menaces to society are the families who try to gather with their loved ones to share food and give thanks. These violent science-deniers must be stopped!”
According to sources, Oregon State Police have been ordered to go door to door and round up all families trying to celebrate Thanksgiving. Any person or persons not found alone on a couch crying into a clamshell container of take-out food will be arrested on the spot.
Governor Brown has assured the public that this zero-tolerance policy will do something “very important and science-y” to stop the spread of bad sicknesses.
“Losing Thanksgiving isn’t a huge loss anyway,” said Governor Brown. “Thankfulness makes people feel content which can inhibit social progress. We can’t have that! If we’re lucky we’ll find a reason to cancel it next year too!”