State Governor Frees All Drug Dealers to Provide Prison Space for Families Celebrating Thanksgiving

"Drugs are legal now anyway"

SALEM, OR—To prepare for the influx of Thanksgiving rulebreakers, Oregon Governor Kate Brown has ordered all drug dealers to be freed from prison to make room for all the families who violate COVID restrictions.

“Drugs are legal now anyway,” said Governor Brown. “I hereby pardon all drug offenders currently doing time in Oregon prisons. I can do that, right? Whatever — I’m doing it. The real menaces to society are the families who try to gather with their loved ones to share food and give thanks. These violent science-deniers must be stopped!”

According to sources, Oregon State Police have been ordered to go door to door and round up all families trying to celebrate Thanksgiving. Any person or persons not found alone on a couch crying into a clamshell container of take-out food will be arrested on the spot.

Governor Brown has assured the public that this zero-tolerance policy will do something “very important and science-y” to stop the spread of bad sicknesses.

“Losing Thanksgiving isn’t a huge loss anyway,” said Governor Brown. “Thankfulness makes people feel content which can inhibit social progress. We can’t have that! If we’re lucky we’ll find a reason to cancel it next year too!”

Source: The Babylon Bee

Text may contain traces of satire.

  1. Le Ruse says

    Satire ?? Reality is like a satire today ?
    If you don’t have psychiatric issues & are not schizophrenic & psychopathic you DON’T qualify for a political & government position !

    1. Kendra Savoy says

      Get $192 of an hour from Google!… Yes this is Authentic as I just got my first payout and was really awesome because it was the biggest number of $24413 in a week…(c5572)… It seems Appears Unbelievable but you won’t forgive yourself if you do not check it



  2. ke4ram says

    Love the Bee. BUT don’t give the nut jobs any ideas….

    1. zonmoy says

      you think that they dont already have those ideas.

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