Biden Declares We Must Spray Sunscreen on Everyone to Protect Those Already Wearing Sunscreen U.S.

Protect the sunscreened!

President Biden today issued a new executive order mandating that every single American be covered with sunscreen, in order to protect the good Americans who are already wearing sunscreen.

“I am really, really starting to lose my patience with these jerks that don’t wear the sunscreen,” said a visibly angry President Biden. “You have failed me one time too many. It’s time for some serious consequences, Jack!”

When asked why people with sunscreen need other people to apply sunscreen in order for their sunscreen to work, Biden responded by staring blankly without moving for 30 full minutes, until all the reporters just got up and walked away.

Scientific experts also confirmed using carefully collected data that “you should just get the $#@%#$&*#@ shot because everyone is doing it and we all have to do it so we can all feel like we’re doing something together in harmony like John Lennon imagined when he wrote ‘Imagine.'” The scientists then danced and screamed louder around a big science-altar in hopes that Science would hear them.

Biden’s order will prevent travel and commerce for everyone not wearing sunscreen until everyone is wearing the sunscreen.

Those wearing sunscreen have been advised to stay indoors until all the other people are wearing sunscreen as well. 

Source: The Babylon Bee

Text may contain traces of satire.

  1. Michael Jr says

    the mating rituals of mosquitos would have made a better article

    1. Heaven Lee Love says


    2. Rabbitnexus says

      That’s what you call niche pornography.

    3. abinico warez says


  2. Raptar Driver says

    The sarcasm is excellent.
    However the medical industry along with the media and government have been promoting the theory; the sun is bad for you, for 30 years now.
    Is it no wonder why Americans are deficient in vitamin D?
    One of many great lies like fluoride is good for your teeth.
    Men walked on the moon. There is a pandemic going on currently.
    One lie leads into another and now you are in the matrix, your life is over, you’re existence serves someone else.
    And the problem with that is you are not serving God, you are serving his adversary.
    You have the mark of the beast.

    1. Robert Huntington says

      I loved all your examples except the “men walked on the moon” one. To me, it’s beyond implausible that hundreds of NASA officials and employees at their monitoring computers in Houston between July 16-20, 1969 could be led to participate in a Hollywood sound stage “green screen” hoax of such magnitude. I’ve heard of “irregularities” (the US flag flying but no atmosphere on the moon, etc.) but the proof of a faked moon landing has to be incontrovertible, convincing, and irrefutable. I have not heard of such proof being offered by any eye-witness person or from any trustworthy source. Perhaps you can provide that, Raptar?

      1. Malatok says

        Don’t get mooned again. A compendium of lunacy

        Moon DelUSion$!
        Are you planning a trip to the Moon and you’re wondering what kinds of temperature you might experience. Well, you’re going to want to pack something to keep you warm, since the temperature of the Moon can dip down to -173°C during the night. Oh, but you’re going to want to keep some cool weather clothes too, since the temperature of the Moon in the day can rise to 127°C. But with your NaSA “space suit” you will have no problem,Bob. Our patented Fred Flintstone tailors have taken care of all those pesky little details when one dre$$e$ to compensate for differences of almost 300 degrees celciUS. We’re Mercan goddamn!
        Lost NASA moon buggy which inspired Apollo 15 machines found in back garden – 40 years later

         Of Moonies and Loonies….deprogramming USSAN Hubri$!

        NaSA admits “we” never went to the Moon. (Heresy in the land of rotten apple pie)

        “Our” NAZI rocket guy explains how perhaps it could one day be done.

        Mr. Sibrel explains how gullible USSANS have been mooned.

        Even the NaSA “folks” are scoffing at the moon “landing” nonsense.

        What is the temperature on the surface of the moon?

        Zoey interviews Buzz Aldrin who recounts USSA’S favorite fairy tale.

        You’ve been Kubricked!

        The Moon Landings: A Giant Hoax for Mankind
        Onward through the Van Allen Belt…without getting our critters crispied!

        NASA apparently destroyed technology to go back to moon. You can’t make this stuff up.

        A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to The Moon

        NASA engineer admits they can’t get past the Van Allen Belts

        Why NASA never went back to the moon

        NASA destroyed all the APOLLO space tapes. You literally can’t make this stuff up.

        American Moon

      2. Brutus says

        A lot of the photography was faked
        Amateur astronomers could track the vehicles as they went out and came back when the time is right
        the oxygen cloud of Apollo 13 was visible
        Some NASA folks have been caught saying that humans cannot survive past the Van Alan belts, could be the astronauts we know as astronauts were actors who never left orbit and those that did go to the moon did so anonymously and soon died.
        I don’t want to believe it was all a hoax but with the Hubble telescope that can bring back images so far away you would think we can get a picture of the landing sites but there’s always an excuse.
        We see astronauts supposedly on the space station with their hair spiked up like syndrome from the Incredibles yet we see girls with long hair on the vomit comet and it’s flowing like a mermaids.
        With what the government tells as the truth from the Apollo one fire to the capital protest and the public falling for it like a Covid story
        because the governor says so and the talking heads on TV keep saying the same thing……….

      3. Rabbitnexus says

        I concede that some of the footage is fake. This is actually fairly well established. Very hard to deny. It does not however follow that they didn’t make the trip. I suspect the footage may have been inadequate or failed or even that it was classified for some reason. This and that they had a fake ready, perhaps made by Spielberg, and contingency plans in the likely event something went wrong with the footage.

      4. Beth H says

        Hi, Robert. Others posted good info below, but for me this video was the most concise smoking gun:

      5. Howard T. Lewis III says

        Stanley Kubrick WAS contracted to create a number of moon landing simulation shorts using his ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ movie sets. These simulations were aired on CBS during the moon shots with a LARGE WHITE BANNER across the bottom of the TV screens across America. CBS added the words to the NASA/Kubrick shorts: “THIS IS A SIMULATION”. The PURPOSE of this was to provide a set of ‘home movies’ to maintain and create an interest among the sheeple and other tardy folk to appreciate the space program. Time and payload constraints put turning the moon landing attempt into home movies for the kids way down the list of priorities. These brave astronauts and NASA did not even KNOW FOR SURE that they would be able to get these guys back. Couch potatoes and ANYBODY not wanting to understand this should stay home with mom, and never venture outside. The COVID extermination program teaches us the perils of trusting an identified portion of society, easily identified by the smell. I care about those given the ‘death jab’. The only people intendingt harm were the satan worshipping Babylonia Talmud bangers comprising over 90% of the COVID scam. They say that we all must die so they can have more. MILLIONS more people have been forever injured or killed than Biden’s cabinet and the CDC/FDA/NIH/Pirbright Institute/Gates Foundation admit to. Cowboy up and report for duty. The New World Order old world CJ ‘End Times’ pageant and feeding frenzy is on. The Khazarian mafia bankers are the top attackers.

      6. Raptar Driver says

        NASA itself admits it lost all the telemetry data from the moon landings.
        How is this possible?
        They somehow lost the only proof they had that they went to the moon?
        Don’t you think this is convenient.
        When buzz and Neil were asked how they got past the van Allen belt they said what is the van Allen belt?
        Anybody who knows even a small amount of science knows that humans can’t pass through this belt.
        Therefore the moon landings are complete garbage.

  3. Malatok says

    YOU are the disease, their covaids death squirt the cure.

    The covaids death prick caper in under 2 minutes.

    PfiZer macht frei…permanently!

  4. rick says

    Text may contain traces of satire. MAY CONTAIN?

  5. abinico warez says

    Most likely the vapid 19 pandemic has caused people to buy up all sunscreen. If you cannot find sunscream, get some white paint – it works just as well.

  6. Howard T. Lewis III says

    Rubber Creepy Briben Biden. Rubber Creepy Briben Biden. Say it fast 5 times then one-way to Gitmo for the traitor/murderer Creepy Joe Biden.

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