Whales, Crickets, and Other Fearsome Russian Doomsday Weapons

The vodka-chugging Red Menace from the East is inducting all kinds of critters into its doomsday artillery force

Headlines were blaring the word “Russian” again the other day because the mass media narrative managers found yet another reason for westerners to feel terrified of the icy potato patch that we’d barely ever thought about prior to 2016. I’d like to talk about the Kremlin’s latest horrifying horrific addition to its fearsome doomsday artillery, and recap a few of the other incredibly frightening and terrifying tactics that those strange Cyrillic-scribbling demons of the East are employing to undermine truth, justice, and the American way. Just to make sure we’re all good and scared like we’re supposed to be.

Gather the kids, clutch your pearls and sign off on hundreds of billions of dollars of extra military spending, my patriotic brethren! Here are five super scary ways the Red Menace is trying to destroy you and everything you hold dear:

1. Whales

Headlines and TV news segments from virtually all mainstream outlets were falling all over themselves the other day to report the fact that some Norwegians found a tame beluga whale with a harness on it, and “experts” attest that the animal may have been part of a covert espionage program for the Russian navy.

While there is no indication that this spying cetacean has been trained in the arts of sonar election meddling or shooting novichok from its blowhole,the Guardian helpfully informs us that the harness was labeled “Equipment of St. Petersburg”, and was equipped to hold “a camera or weapon”.

“Marine experts in Norway believe they have stumbled upon a white whale that was trained by the Russian navy as part of a programme to use underwater mammals as a special ops force,” the Guardian reports.

The Norwegian tabloid Verdens Gang, which picked up on the discovery well before the breathless English headlines began gracing us with their presence, is a teensy bit less Ian Flemingesque in its reporting on the matter: the harness is equipped for a GoPro camera. The words “Equipment of St. Petersburg” are written in English.

Why is the Russian military writing “Equipment of St. Petersburg” in English on the garments of its aquatic special ops forces, you may ask? If there were indeed a secret beluga espionage squad assembled by Russian intelligence services, would they not perhaps avoid writing the home address of the whales on their harnesses altogether, and maybe, you know, not let them run free in the wild?

And to that I would say, stop asking so many questions. That’s just what Putin wants.

2. Crickets

report seeded throughout the mainstream media by anonymous intelligence officials last September claimed that US government workers in Cuba had suffered concussion-like brain damage after hearing strange noises in homes and hotels with the most likely culprit being “sophisticated microwaves or another type of electromagnetic weapon” from Russia. A recording of one such highly sophisticated attack was analyzed by scientists and turned out to be the mating call of the male indies short-tailed cricket. Neurologists and other brain specialists have challenged the claim that any US government workers suffered any neurological damage of any kind, saying test results on the alleged victims were misinterpreted.

The actual story, when stripped of hyperventilating Russia panic, is that some government workers once heard some horny crickets in Cuba.


3. Puppies

Ye gads, is is nothing sacred? Is there any weapon these monsters won’t use to transform the west into a giant, globe-spanning Mordor?

That’s right, in 2017 puppies became one of the many, many things we’ve been instructed to fear in the hands of our vodka-swilling enemy to the east, with mass media outlets reporting that a Facebook group for animal lovers was one of the sinister, diabolical tactics employed by St. Petersburg’s notorious Internet Research Agency. As the Moon of Alabama blog has explained, the only evidence we’ve seen so far actually indicates that the Internet Research Agency’s operations in America served no purpose other than to attract eyeballs for money. As journalist Aaron Maté wrote of the highly publicized Russian Facebook meddling, “Far from being a sophisticated propaganda campaign, it was small, amateurish, and mostly unrelated to the 2016 election.”

The late, great Robert Parry, one of the earliest and most outspoken critics of the Russiagate narrative, covered this one for Consortium News in an article he authored a few months before his untimely passing:

As Mike Isaac and Scott Shane of The New York Times reported in Tuesday’s editions, “The Russians who posed as Americans on Facebook last year tried on quite an array of disguises. … There was even a Facebook group for animal lovers with memes of adorable puppies that spread across the site with the help of paid ads.”

Now, there are a lot of controversial issues in America, but I don’t think any of us would put puppies near the top of the list. Isaac and Shane reported that there were also supposedly Russia-linked groups advocating gay rights, gun rights and black civil rights, although precisely how these divergent groups were “linked” to Russia or the Kremlin was never fully explained. (Facebook declined to offer details.)

At this point, a professional journalist might begin to pose some very hard questions to the sources, who presumably include many partisan Democrats and their political allies hyping the evil-Russia narrative. It would be time for some lectures to the sources about the consequences for taking reporters on a wild ride in conspiracy land.

Yet, instead of starting to question the overall premise of this “scandal,” journalists at The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, etc. keep making excuses for the nuttiness. The explanation for the puppy ads was that the nefarious Russians might be probing to discover Americans who might later be susceptible to propaganda.

“The goal of the dog lovers’ page was more obscure,” Isaac and Shane acknowledged. “But some analysts suggested a possible motive: to build a large following before gradually introducing political content. Without viewing the entire feed from the page, now closed by Facebook, it is impossible to say whether the Russian operators tried such tactics.”

4. Pokémon

Yes, Pokémon.

This Russia hysteria has been a long, wild ride, and sometimes it’s honestly felt like they’re just experimenting on us. Like they’ve been testing the limits of how ridiculous they can make this thing and still get mainstream Americans to swallow it. Like the establishment propagandists are all sitting around in a room smoking blunts and making bets with each other all,
 “I’m telling you, we can sell a Pokémon Go Kremlin conspiracy.”
 “Do it!”
 “No way. There’s no way they’ll go for it.”
 “Yeah well you said that about the puppy dogs!”

And then they release their latest experiment in social manipulation and place bets on how many disgruntled Hillary voters they can get retweeting it saying “God dammit, I knew that jigglypuff looked suspicious!”

The October 2017 CNN report which sparked off a full day of shrieking “OMG THEY’RE EVEN USING PIKACHU TO ATTACK OUR DEMOCRACY” headlines was titled “Exclusive: Even Pokémon Go used by extensive Russian-linked meddling effort”, and it reported that Russia had extended its “tentacles” into the popular video game for the purpose of election meddling. Apparently the Internet Research Agency attempted to hold a contest using the game to highlight police brutality against unarmed Black men, which of course is something that only an evil autocracy would ever do.

Not until the fifteenth paragraph of the article did we see the information which undercut all the frantic arm flailing about Russians destroying democracy and warping our children’s fragile little minds:

“CNN has not found any evidence that any Pokémon Go users attempted to enter the contest, or whether any of the Amazon Gift Cards that were promised were ever awarded — or, indeed, whether the people who designed the contest ever had any intention of awarding the prizes.”

Mmm hmm.

5. Laughter

Late last year the BBC published an article titled “How Putin’s Russia turned humour into a weapon” about yet another addition to the Kremlin’s horrifying deadly hybrid warfare arsenal: comedy. The article’s author, ironically titled “Senior Journalist (Disinformation)” by the BBC, argues that Russia has suddenly discovered laughter as a way to “deliberately lower the level of discussion”.

“Russia’s move towards using humour to influence its campaigns is a relatively recent phenomenon,” the article explained, without speculating as to why Russians might have suddenly begun laughing at their western accusers.

Is it perhaps possible that Russian media have begun mocking the west a lot more because westerners have made themselves much easier to make fun of? Could it perhaps be the fact that western mass media have been doing absolutely insane things like constantly selling us the idea that the Kremlin could be lurking behind anything in our world, even really innocuous-looking things like puppy dogs, Pokémon and whales? Could we perhaps be finding ourselves at the butt end of jokes now because in 2016 our society went bat shit, pants-on-head, screaming-at-passing-motor-vehicles insane?

Nahhh. Couldn’t be. It’s the Russians who’ve gone mad.

Source: Medium

  1. Garry Compton says

    And to tell you the Pravda – the Russian people have been shown every nasty detail that the Amerikansiis are doing in the world. And there are days – this Amerikanska in Russia is – not wanted. Americans living abroad are getting a big target on their back – because of the evil Zio American tactics being played. Russian TV – does not bring up the Pravda /Fact about the ZIOs owning the USG and directing the foreign and domestic policies that have put that Target on my back and others.

    1. thomas malthaus says

      How’s the Russia-Israel or Putin-Netanyahu relationship portrayed in Russian media?

      The American alt-media through The Unz Review is one of probably a few sources that writes about the “special relationship” with any regularity.

      Either Russian citizens are well aware or the Zionist influence has infiltrated Russia’s media.

      1. Garry Compton says

        The Russians see Putin as a leader who tries hard to get along with everyone but the Russian people are all informed by the TV and talk { scream } shows that debate everything except the jewish problem – {my opinion} . The Russians I know – have no clue about the US being run by the Jews. None. Which I take as – the Jews are running part of the media, also. Who knows, but it looks like lately the hate for the US is ramping up and we all know that the Russians won’t feel bad when the US goes thru another Depression or worse. I haven’t spoke with many military guys lately but I’m sure they haven’t forgotten about Israels cheap shot on their AWACs plane w 15 comrades on board in Syria. I’m wondering how far east do I have to go to get out of this Jew strangle hold.

        1. thomas malthaus says

          Most global citizens outside the Five Eyes (170-plus countries) will be more than ecstatic to see the US’ Greater Depression. Unfortunately, this event will be global.

          I’m not sure I’d scurry off to where ever passes as promising non-Jewish influence. Knowing that Russian has abundant energy resources and America is fighting to secure a bleak future with stolen resources, sets Russia aside as a strong capitalist magnet.

          My opinion is that Russia will come out relatively unscathed from global economic and financial disruptions. Another point worthy of mention is that Mr. Putin has made de-dollarization a high priority.

          One question I have is how will countries pay for Russian oil and gas when the collapse hits? It would seems convenient to state since neither the dollar nor euro are viable, that we may see these specific transactions in gold or sovereign barter agreements take shape. One can understand Russia’s power to negotiate equitable
          agreements in energy and foodstuffs with close neighbors.

          There was a time when it was perceived that America was a land of plenty, worthy of fighting tooth and nail to get here. Many Westerner feel the same about Rossiya. Hope things work out better for you.

          My uneducated opinion is that if Mr.Putin can either control or mitigate some of Netanyahu’s actions, he’ll be able neutralize US foreign policy in critical areas. I might start with lessening trade with Israel or outright BDS support, but then I’ve read about Israel’s past escapades in English. Unlike Russians who speak no English and no exposure to US alt media sites. The truth, as it were.

          1. Garry Compton says

            Good synopsis, I may be over-reacting since I get a little paranoid, as the world turns crazy. lol You’re right this is a big place and western Ru. is only part of the picture. I believe the Euro, is the currency for now, that Putin negotiates with, since some of the pipelines are in place or headed that way. Russia is in a good position – plenty of food, natural resources, committed populace and maybe that is why they don’t sweat the small stuff. Spacibo T M .

            1. thomas malthaus says

              Unless I suddenly develop massive radiation burns-cum-death, I hope to be there relatively soon. Good luck, Garry!


            2. zeke0606 says

              Garry, I have lived in Russia for 20 years and you have spoken the truth. I still fear that the unstable US government and the heartless neocons will try to really push the Russian, Chinese, North Korean and Iranian governments into a war involving the rest of the world and condeming all of us to slow deaths from radiation poisoning.
              May I ask where in Russia you live? I am in Ufa on the western slopes of the Ural Mountains.

            3. Garry Compton says

              Well, I used to live/work in Ukraine , now I live in Russia . I didn’t want to live in any super power but the Maidan put me here. I’ve lived in several places – other than Alaska. Moy doma Kryme. but I am not fluent and I’m retired and wanted to travel in all the cities of East Europe but Ukraine got in the way – I’m headed SE – later. Bucket list is still on going zeke.

            4. zeke0606 says

              I’ve been fortunate in life – I have lived and worked in 24 different countries. I, too, am retired. I like traveling from Russia to anywhere — as everywhere is much closer to me here. I’ll tell you that not being fluent in Russian is not a problem. In my city (a million and a half – my low est) about half of the folks here can understand English and many of that group can also speak English fairly well.
              I visited the Ukraine a few month before the major blow out happened and I did not feel safe at all. After living most places – this city in Russia ‘feels’ the safest and I really enjoy that feeling. When I tell the many Americans that I know that are still in America that no one here carries a gun – even the police do not carry guns…….. no one will believe this fact. They simply do not believe thatthere have been only 5 murders here in the last 15 years. And all the advantages of living free and safe are falling on deaf ears. I hope the folks in the states are more believing in your discussions with them.

            5. Garry Compton says

              Good for You – A little different here with the lang. barrier – they don’t like non fluent foreigners – very few english speakers-Americans aren’t a favorite bunch these days , too. I’m fine in the markets and can get what I need but still not able to get into politics or reality convers. Sometimes I speak spanish , just to keep people on their toes lol.Yes the teenagers are very respectful, no gangs and the cops are polite. No luck last time in states trying to convince my friends about Russia {2014} I never spent much time in the lower 48 during all of my adult years , but it was a big shock when I took a job there in 06. No loss. Been in SE Asia?

            6. zeke0606 says

              Gerry, if you don’t mind telling me – what city are you in here? I have learned the easy way and the hard way – stay away from big cities and capitals of countries.
              I have given up on telling the benefits of living outside of the ‘…land of the free and home of the brave…’ I have even quit asking anyone to visit…………
              When I was in Alaska, Homer was only a oil tank, tin shack and a helicopter pad………..
              I was up and down the ‘major’ towns along the banks of Cooks Inlet — you know like Drift River!
              I was in Vietnam last month for a couple of weeks of sun and warm surf in Nah Trang. I have been in most of south east Asia, PI, China and the other parts of the unknown world there. Early on in my life, before I was 22 and taken into the military, and for a few years after I was 24, I spent my days traveling anywhere I felt like going – if you are old enough, you may recall that visas and passports were not really necessary and I had a Merchant Seaman’s license – it acted like a passport and visa sometimes.

            7. Garry Compton says

              In village outside Saki – I used to fish next to the old Russians in Homer – had a boat there in the 70s. I flew planes there for 20 yrs and homesteaded in the Alaskan range.I was in Nam in 70-71 so I wish to see it today – I was all over the Delta , the rice people were in their own world and were very cool . Lived with them on the rivers and in their villages. Lived with the Cambodians too.

            8. zeke0606 says

              I am surprised that you are still alive living where you do!!!!
              You would not know Vietnam these days! All 4 and 5 star hotels and the shit garbage peddlers eating next to the rats in the garbage. This time I flew into Cam Ronh and most everything is gone from the days of yore. I was there just before you – 69. And I never want to return there again!!!!! Even if the dollar to dong exchange is 23 million five hundred to $100!

            9. Garry Compton says

              Caki, Crimea is safe – and was OK even during Ukraine times. — But , I was in the Mekong Delta – much different than up north – and I have looked at Google earth at all the places I lived – big change but there is one place I want to see – there is a small tourist site in Chou Duc { sp } on the River and I think this was Charlies base that tried to eliminate me – more than once -lol. Saigon looks really huge now – but every where I looked has changed big time.

            10. thomas malthaus says

              What are your feelings toward Americans in Crimea? Are they generally accepted or shunned? I’m aiming toward that area and ask whether you’ve lived there.

  2. Shakira Shakira says


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