US Wins Second Place in Afghan War

“From the moment the War on Terror began, we knew we would settle for nothing less than a podium finish”

Continuing a streak of top five finishes that dates back to the country’s founding, America formally announced its second place victory in the Afghan War on Wednesday.

“From the moment the War on Terror began, we knew we would settle for nothing less than a podium finish” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “Today, after 19 years of blood and sweat, we are able to finally declare absolute and total second place victory.”

The Secretary went on to point out that since American troops first entered the country, their mission has been to secure a victory for the Afghan People. The fact that the specific Afghan People who finished in first place happened to be members of the Taliban “is immaterial,” Esper said..

Though a second place win does not include any kind of monetary prize to offset the more than $800 billion spent fighting the war, officials have stated that a trophy of some kind is not off the table.

Some have compared a second place finish to being “first loser” but US officials do not see it that way. “Second place means we’re number two in the whole world at fighting the War in Afghanistan” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark Milley. “Olympic silver medalists don’t talk about losing second place, they talk about winning it.”

Certain members of the conflict absolutely agree. “Second place sounds amazing” said last place Afghan civilians, whose terrible performance will likely see them relegated to the failed state refugee leagues.

With this formal declaration, the US joins the ranks of other prestigious second place finishers including Al Gore and the American South.

The first place Taliban were unavailable for comment as they kidnapped and murdered the reporter who asked, in accordance with their standard practices during peace agreements.

Source: Duffel Blog

Text may contain traces of satire.

  1. Genghis Gobi says

    Don’t worry, Hollywood will be hard at work making movies proving America won the gold medal in Afghanistan but wuz robbed by them no good Taliban who didn’t dope.

  2. cechas vodobenikov says

    the US never wins wars except against defenseless nations —Dominican Republic, Grenada
    no revolutionary war–France/Spain defeated British
    lost war with Canada 1812 (500,000 Canadians vs 8 million yellow amerikans)
    fake war w Spain was not a war—Spain had no real military—however the US did muder 1 million Filipinos (they only admit to 200,000
    WWI—only sent troops 5 months before armistice–when it was already decided…so cowardly they only declared war on Germany, not Ottomans, Austro-Hungary, nor Bulgaria…stole 20,000 patents from Germany
    WWII–irrelevant; USSR defeated Germany—more than 80% German casualties occurred at the eastern front—the cowardly amerikans only entered when the Luftwaffe no longer existed, and German troops had no petrol to operate their tanks, etc and unlike the German occupiers that did not rape French females, the sexually repressed amerikans raped more than 1000.
    of course the USSR,
    China defeated Japan—as soon as USSR declared war on Japan, amassed 1 million troops in Manchuria and defeated the Japanese military in china and began to occupy northern Japanese Islands, the USA immediately surrendered, accepting the same terms offered by the Japanese 3 years earlier to Stalin when the USSR was neutral…fearing the USSR would occupy all of Japan—of course these uncivilized primitives, unneccearily murdered 250,000 civilians with 2 atom bombs
    lost in Korea after murdering 4 million Koreans—they were easily pushed from the Yalu River to the 38th parallel and they immediately surrendered begging for a truce
    lost in vietnam after murdering 3-4 million in SE Asia
    losing in Iraq after murdering at least 1.5 million there where they hide in their little fortresses largely protected by highly paid mercenaries—most from Latin amerikan and African nations…, Syria, obviously after creating a refugee crisis causing 5-6 million to flee the amerikan imperialism
    after 19 years in Afghanistan these incompetents control nearly no territory—they must resort to bombing wedding parties to retain their lack of self respect…so morally diseased that 22 US military veterans suicide each day—haunted by their raping of small boys and wholesale murder of women and children

  3. Rowdy-Yates says

    So first the soviets wage war and leave. then the Americans wage war and leave finally China arrives with investments to develop Afghanistan. It takes an Asian mind to come up with a simple solution as investments for a nation like Afghanistan.

    1. cechas vodobenikov says

      false—Najibullah requested Soviet assistance to guard military installations when the US created al Qaeda began to destabilize Afghanistan—few regular Soviet troops were sent; mainly it was the least experienced conscripts….India invests more in Afghanistan than China

      1. Rowdy-Yates says

        .India invests more in Afghanistan than China
        It has not panned out. The lives of the average Afghani remains poor and now desperate. India has done nothing to change that. China will completely change Afghanistan and set it on the path to become a developed nation.

      2. Genghis Gobi says

        True, but India also is going to be the big loser in Afghanistan. It’s painted itself into a corner by anti Talibanism since 1995, can’t reverse course now because Modi never reverses course on anything for fear of looking weak, and all those investments are soon going to be water under the bridge.

        Just yesterday I saw some idiot article demanding we send troops to Afghanistan after America withdraws. Of course, the Afghans will immediately, and correctly, take us for another colonialist aggressor and start attacking us too. And since with 300000 troops for 30 years we haven’t been able to even control Kashmir, I have some doubts whether Indian troops would be spectacularly successful in Kandahar and Kabul.

  4. Ronnie&MargaretInDementia says

    ‘2nd is first of the losers’ as I believe the Americanism goes.

  5. jm74 says

    What a twisted and dysfunctional nation the US turned out to be, the sooner they collapse totally the better for all and that includes the US.

    1. Séamus Ó Néill says

      What do you mean…turned out to be? From it’s insidious beginning, founded on genocide and slavery, it has been the force for satanic evil for 2.5 centuries. Tell me anything good or positive emanating from the US….even their food is poisonous !

    2. Ronnie&MargaretInDementia says

      The US has become a country I find it increasingly hard to take seriously. They all seem to be demented in one way or another and the political class seems to be the most insane of all. Add to that more guns in private hands than people in the whole country and I’m just awestruck that the whole chebang has lasted as long as it has. It was a good effort but starting it with a genocide was probably a bad idea (even if it was a harbinger of things to come) I think it’s time to shut the whole project down. There is no way the USA is going to make it to their 3rd centenary.

  6. disqus_3BrONUAJno says

    Who will defend the Afghan opium poppies from the Taliban so the CIA can buy them and use them to make narcotics in Columba to be delivered to America to fund the CIA’s black projects. Or, will the declaration merely take media attention off of the scam?

    1. Padre says

      Business doesn’t take sides, it will continue according to places taken:Talibans, CIA,the rest!

      1. disqus_3BrONUAJno says

        The most profitable businesses on the planet are those related to MICIMATT.

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