US Army Now Just Chasing Single Remaining ISIS Fighter Around Ruins of Syrian Village

Any excuse to stay

BAGHUZ, SYRIA—In an effort to track down and eliminate the last militant staking claim to a caliphate in the region, American-backed coalition forces confirmed Monday they were chasing a single remaining ISIS soldier around the ruins of a small village in Syria.

“This cagey individual has been using all kinds of sneaky tricks to outwit us at every turn,” said U.S. Army Gen. Joseph Votel, who described an incident in which American troops pursuing the elusive jihadist with butterfly nets ran at full speed into a brick wall the man had cleverly painted to look just like an ISIS encampment.

“At one point, he put on the uniform of a five-star American general, started ordering our troops around, and I’ll be damned if we didn’t do every silly thing he commanded us to. It was hours before we figured out what had happened.

Despite deploying more troops, the last ISIS soldier constantly escapes every effort to capture him by relying on a number of spin moves and jukes. We’ll be looking for the guy and he’ll be right behind us pretending to help with the search.

Morale has slipped significantly because he repeatedly humiliates the entire unit when he turns around to point and laugh at us. He’s just that good.”

Votel stated that once this militant was captured, the coalition would only have to worry about the estimated 30,000 ISIS fighters in Syria and Iraq who have blended back into the general population and still carry out hundreds of attacks each year.

Source: The Onion

  1. JustPassingThrough says

    that’s the kind of news really illustrates how consequent the murikans are about protecting their allies. the netflix cameras just off-screen filming the sitcom blockbuster of 2020. popcorn time.

  2. Zaphod Braden says

    ISIS never runs out of ammunition or explosives. ………….. WHY?!
    ISIS never, ever, attacks ISISrael ………………………………… WHY?!
    ISIS is completely surrounded by supposed enemies.
    Everyone of the countries surrounding ISIS is SUPPOSEDLY an ally of the USA.
    Time for the USA to take a good hard look at it’s “allies”.
    Our “intelligence” agencies should have identified and destroyed those who are supplying ISIS but have not …… WHY?!
    “our” Generals have not destroyed those who are supplying ISIS ………… WHY?!
    You know DAMN WELL WHO supplies their weapons, that kill American Troops.
    The FIRST thing a general that WANTS TO WIN a war does ….. is cut off enemy supplies. Time to clean out the Traitors.
    The chaos in Syria was winding down. The TRAITORS in the Pentagon had spent 24 months at $10MILLION a DAY bombing sand. ISIS continued to hold miles long parades of OUR equipment complete with flags on clear, dry, sunny days, and the TRAITORS in the Pentagon “could not seem to HIT them with any of those thousands of bombs”. ..
    Then the Russians came in and blew the ISIS asses off. Did you notice the parades ENDED. We had no problem with thousands of stealth tankers daily moving oil from isis-controlled areas to turkey(Erdogan’s SON), and on to the entity. Too bad Putin blew ’em up, blew ’em up real good! “Russia didn’t want Syria turned into a #FailedState like Libya & entered the war on Sept 30th 2015. They started bombing 100’s of ISIS oil tanker trucks and oil fields with just 35 planes. ISIS revenues were cut by 50% & things turned around.
    ISIS has ZERO antiaircraft abilities. the TRAITORS in the Pentagon could have dropped bombs from HOT AIR BALLOONS or BIPLANES ……. We KNOW who the Pentagon is working for and it is NOT America.
    That would be a “tragedy” for Israel and Turkey who are BOTH plotting to seize Syrian land for “greater” Israel and the “caliphate” of Turkey all the while genocidally flooding White, CHRISTIAN Europe with muslum invaders …………. they had to get that war going again …..

  3. says

    they’ll eventually get him, though…

    1. Zaphod Braden says

      After murdering 20,000 civilians and burning 15 villages

  4. Georges E. Kalfat says

    Sure this is a parody and not real news because if it ain’t…WTF!!!!!

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