Updated Death Certificates Require Choosing Between COVID, Climate Change, or Systemic Racism as Cause of Death

According to sources, some are working to add "homophobia" and "Trump" as possible causes of death as well

The Biden administration is providing new guidance to coroners and medical examiners across the country for determining causes of death. From now on, doctors and officials who sign death certificates will be required to choose between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism to describe how the person died.

“Listen, folks, this is much easier,” said Biden in a statement to the garbage disposal in his kitchen sink. “It’s multiple choice! We know these three things are really the only evil forces at work that could be responsible for killing someone. It ain’t that complicated, Jack!”

Biden then immediately tripped and fell down the stairs, almost dying of climate change.

Several lawmakers such as AOC have expressed support for the federal changes. “We are, like, really glad the President is making sure we get to the real root causes of all the death in the world,” she said. “This stuff is real. I actually almost died of systemic racism just last week!” 

According to sources, some are working to add “homophobia” and “Trump” as possible causes of death as well.  

Source: The Babylon Bee

Text may contain traces of satire.

  1. Counting says

    Add; Death due to exploitation and the destruction of American Corporate neoliberal economics.

    If Communism Killed Millions, How Many Did Capitalism Kill?


    1. Juan says

      Government is not “capitalism”. Most of those deaths (specially WAR) are on the bucket of government. Slavery is violence, something contrary to capitalism. Government is just a more sophisticated form of slavery. Government, be it corporatist, mercantilist, fascist or communist, KILLS.

  2. GMC says

    Love the Babylon Bee a big thumbs up – Thanks.

  3. miles says

    LOL … only its not far from the truth.

  4. Tod Foulk says

    what about russians? c’mon man i don’t work for you!

  5. Rabbitnexus says

    Today’s satire, tomorrow’s prescience. Like some sort of mutated Murphy’s Law. Now it has been stated, so shall it be. Some version of this no doubt. I imagine that capital punishment may become common and euthanasia also. The many of us who fail to assimilate will have to be dealt with and old people can’t contribute much to the welfare of others who require or choose welfare so deletion seems fair for them. There won’t be any need to add execution to the list though because there will be a euphemism for that. Existentially Dispersed seems like a good one.

    Dad provided for his family and provided some welfare for others as well as contributed to society but he’d become slow and weak, unable to work or provide and was depleting his savings for his living arrangements, which could instead go to providing more welfare to the needy like handicapped, sick, addicts, bums and billionaires. So we thought it best dad was existentially dispersed. He’s much better off this way and so are we. We are a humane society and do not believe in killing. Indeed we have narrowed death down to just 5 possible causes and almost nobody dies of Trump anymore, since he’s been dead 300 years. When we have serious criminals, such as white racism, we prefer the humane pathway and merely have these thought criminals existentially dispersed. With this method we avoid the inhumanity of killing and still manage to have a perfect zero recidivism rate for serious crimes.

  6. Jay says

    Why waste your time posting nonsense?

  7. SanityClaus says


  8. Afshin Nejat says

    Boomers asked for this.
    #Wrong Enemy

  9. yuri says

    amerikans so farcically stupid any lie will be believed

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