Russia Creates Cool New Way to Get Myocarditis

Import substitution wins

Source: Edward Slavsquat

In our last blog post we discussed how Russia was coping with the mass exodus of western businesses. As an example, we referenced the creation of Cool Cola, Street, and Fancy: the import-substitution sodas intended to replace Coca-Cola, Sprite and Fanta.

The Russian company responsible for these concoctions, Ochakovo, recently issued a rather vainglorious statement bragging about their amazing imitation sodas:

The taste of Cool Cola is identical [to Coca-Cola], the taste of Fancy is extremely close to the usual analogues, and the taste of Street is rather closer to what multinational companies had 10-15 years ago, when they had not yet begun to add sweeteners to the recipe of this drink. For more than two months, our technologists have been tasting raw materials, selecting the ratio of ingredients: juices, extracts, in order to achieve the ideal taste of drinks, in our opinion.

Audacious and seductive soda-boasting. We had to try them.

Cool Cola

Cool Cola is arguably the most robust cola to come out of Penza Oblast. Aged in recyclable plastic bottles, this bold but approachable 2022 vintage will fill you with regret within 30 minutes of your first, ill-considered sip. Chill for two hours before serving.

Tasting note: a deep and profound black color with a halo of muddy brown around the edges—reminiscent of unhealthy stool. Very fresh and young looking. Fine, migraine-inducing bouquet, some sweetness in attack, drier on the second nose. Carbonation on the palate, a hint of existential dread about the aimless trajectory of your life, good balance, overpowering sugary finish that inspires heart palpitations and dilated pupils.

Highly recommended. An excellent gift for someone you hate.

Street

This complex Sprite knockoff offers a bouquet of citrus, tap water, and looming diabetes. Opulent on the palate with brave levels of acidity. Mountains of sugar add to the long finish. Pleasingly limpid.

Before enjoying your glass of Street, it is customary to turn to the person sitting next to you and shout: “I RESPECT YOU, DO YOU RESPECT ME?” Your drinking companion should reply with a very slurred: “I RESPECT YOU.” Only then should you imbibe.

It is important to immediately stop drinking Street upon the inevitable onset of blurred vision and severe tremors.

Fancy

Our mother-in-law drank nearly all of our Fancy without even asking if it would be okay to do that.

We asked her to provide an assessment.

“Normal.”

Then she told us to go to the rynok and buy some fish for dinner.

Sheesh.

Source: Edward Slavsquat

9 Comments
  1. Trenchmouth says

    That was too easy for the Flavourists, who are clearly not up to the sweetened, carbonated beverage challenge.
    A quick glance at this short, crisp review of Dr Pepper, from the connoisseurs at the SODA REVIEW, might help launch a more serious food lab offensive on the Russian front.
    *
    SODA REVIEW
    Dr Pepper
    ————————
    Whatever they were aiming for and didn’t quite make it is exactly what makes it so great; great, by accident.
    It’s like the precursor to, no, a premonition–a mirage–of Tahiti Treat.
    As original as Root Beer, suave as BRIO and tantalizing as Cream Soda (clear).
    –Soda Connoisseur
    *
    Let’s see how the Russian Flavourists fare on a more unconvention tastebud battlefield!

    1. TZVI says

      Dr Pepper secret: Prune Juice.

  2. Noah says

    Anti-Empire, start reposting articles which are real news like the one below.
    https://southfront.org/did-russia-really-capture-canadian-general-in-mariupol/
    We know that Russia is part of the problem, but it’s clear that you are, too! You complain that people do not read your article anymore because they do not search for Truth, but you’re far from Truth, friend! You become irelevant!

    1. Dana says

      THE REAL news is from where that article comes from and he is right… read it https://edwardslavsquat.substack.com/ and see that Russia is going a long with the one-world / more-control agenda and this war is obvious a distraction.

    2. Field Empty says

      Your own link says there is no proof for this “news”.

      1. TZVI says

        It’s just sugar laden drinks, get a grip people.

  3. YakovKedmi says

    You see ?! We don’t need no stinking NATO Pepsi or EU Fanta, we can produce our own liquid that is just as detached from nature and just as beneficial. —far be it from us to make soft-drink from fruits and spring water.

    We don’t need stinking Renault, we can produce cars that are just as stupid, over-priced and filled with useless junk as they can —far be it from us to make an automobile that is like the 1986 Toyota Corolla (the copy of which Samara was).

    Once again, how exactly would the multi-polar new world order be any different from the one we got now ? Oh yes, the cyrillic markings on the label.

    ___________________________
    “The Heads of State positively assess the effective interaction between Russia and China in the bilateral and multilateral formats focusing on the fight against the COVID-19 pandemic, protection of life and health of the population of the two countries and the peoples of the world. They will further increase cooperation in the development and manufacture of vaccines against the new coronavirus infection, as well as medical drugs for its treatment, and enhance collaboration in public health and modern medicine.”

    “The Russian side confirms its readiness to continue working on the China-proposed Global Development Initiative, including participation in the activities of the Group of Friends of the Global Development Initiative under the UN auspices. In order to accelerate the implementation of the UN 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development, the sides call on the international community to take practical steps in key areas of cooperation such as poverty reduction, food security, vaccines and epidemics control, financing for development, climate change, sustainable development, including green development, industrialization, digital economy, and infrastructure connectivity.”

    1. TZVI says

      Do you boil your water? Do you live in Eretz Yisrael? If so the water there out of the tap is full of gut wrenching bacteraia that will give you the Deli-Belly effect…even the wells are polluted these days including the once safe Coca-Cola in Benai Brak.

  4. TZVI says

    Edward,

    I am glad I drank Coca-Cola when I was a Kid. Coca-cola cola may have rotted my non-Adult teeth, but saved me from drinking Fluoride in the Tap water and likely saved me 15 IQ points. Coca Cola always drilled it’s own wells and never paid for the main ingredient, WATER.

    I must add Sprite, RC Cola, Fanta, and Mellow Yellow…but ( almost) never Pepsi. Yes, it stank when they changed over to High Fructose Corn Syrup instead of Sugar and Phosphoric acid ( dissolves bones) instead of Citric Acid…I don’t drink that stuff anymore, but am thankful I did when I was younger.

    I hated Tap water as a kid, as it tasted like chemicals…did not even know water could taste GOOD until 1985 when I visited a relative who had a Well in North Carolina ( a vacation Cabin)…man I loved that water.

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