Offering a ‘Return to Normalcy,’ Biden Pledges Troop Surges in Iraq and Afghanistan
“We’re not doing any of this troop withdrawal malarkey"
WASHINGTON — After promising a return to normalcy after four turbulent years under his predecessor, President-elect Joe Biden took concrete steps in that direction today by pledging to order troop surges in both Iraq and Afghanistan on his first day in office.
“Americans today are more divided than ever before,” the former vice president said in a speech. “And those deep divisions are reflected here in Washington at the highest levels of government.”
“It seems like the last time Congress achieved a true bipartisan consensus was when we authorized the use of military force against Iraq back in 2002,” Biden said. “Those halcyon days can be ours again — and they will be, once troop levels return to 10,000 in both Iraq and Afghanistan!”
Soon after he is sworn into office in January, sources say Biden will order Pentagon leaders to draw up plans for tens of thousands of additional troops to be sent to Iraq and Afghanistan, and maybe even Turkey just for the hell of it.
“President Trump failed in his promise to ‘end endless wars’ but I’ll tell you this,” Biden said. “We’re returning to normalcy, returning to decency in the presidency, and returning to the endless wars that are the hallmark of this great American democracy.”
“We’re not doing any of this troop withdrawal malarkey,” Biden added.
Biden will also try and fail to shut down the detention facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, continuing a tradition set during the Obama administration in 2009.
Meanwhile, Beltway pundits said the move was to be expected since Biden is known for hawkish tendencies.
“President Obama used to let him type ‘CLEARED HOT’ in the mIRC chat during drone strikes,” said one 70-year-old former senior defense official on condition of anonymity during an interview at his Stanford University office.
“Biden loved that shit. Say, I wonder who he’s going to tap for the SecDef job?”
To facilitate the dual surges, the Defense Department plans on involuntarily recalling everyone in the Individual Ready Reserve.
Source: Duffel Blog
Text may contain traces of satire.