Lockdown Deemed a Success as Everyone Is Now So Obese They Can’t Fit Out Their Doors

Won't be spreading COVID any time soon

The lockdowns in the U.S. have been deemed a success at stopping the spread of COVID by public health experts, as Americans are now so obese they can’t even fit out their doors to spread COVID.

Medical experts are claiming that a full 94% of Americans are now wider than their front doorway and thus are unable to go outside and get to dangerous gatherings like indoor concerts, sporting events, and church services. Therefore, the experts are claiming the lockdowns were very effective at stopping the spread of COVID.

“Yeah, we Americans are, like, huge now,” said Dr. Hank Binkowski, a researcher at MIT, as he scarfed down an entire bag of Cheetos Sweetos Cinnamon Sugar Puffs. “So, like, we can’t even get out the door — not even if we grease it with butter. Which is good for society: everyone in their homes, no one interacting, everyone just getting all fat and depressed and stuff. Basically, everybody is huge now, and that’s a good thing.”

(The one exception to this increase in obesity, according to the CDC, is your mom, who was already massive.)

Sadly, because of the lockdowns, Americans are now much more vulnerable to COVID as they are huge, so experts are calling for another round of lockdowns to protect the Americans made fat by the first round of lockdowns.

Source: The Babylon Bee

  1. yuri says

    in 100 m race tortoise and Covid wins race vs amerikan

    1. ken says

      Hi Yuri

      True dat! Just took the wife shopping yesterday,,, everywhere, nothing but whales.

      Used to sit out in the car watching all the pretty women walk by. (20-30 years ago) Now they waddle by or drive those electric carts.

      Their faces so fat they look like they have 3 chins. Most are wearing masks. Many wear shorts as they cannot find cloths to fit. When they bend over half the crack of their ass appears. Hard to hold back the vomit.

      And the smell……

      1. Raptar Driver says

        It’s all the endocrine disrupters and other poisons like glyphosate that are in the food supply.
        People are too cheap & ignorant to eat organic.

        1. yuri says

          wrong rat driver—u children live in only oral culture on earth—the 1st stage of development of Freud’s 5 stages—oral, anal, phallic latency, genital…” in amerika everything is about the mouth…amerikan adults speak about themselves and their achievements as they did when they were children”. Geoffrey Gorer
          more childish per cultural historian—Gary Cross….u speak like children using placeholders: stuff thing
          only amerikans use food terms to address their lovers: honey, sugar dumpling, cupcake buttercup
          “amerikans are the living refutation of the cartesian cogito ergo sum. amerikans are yet they do not think. the amerikan mind puerile primitive lacks characteristic form and is therefore open tom any standardization”. Julius Evola

      2. yuri says

        per Twenge/Campbell ‘The Narcissim Epidemic’ there is also an obesity epidemic

    2. Jerry Hood says

      American? rather obese Gringos( bandits)..

  2. Jerry Hood says

    Degenerated white trash to be melt down on lard by Chinese nukes..After Black ” Olmecs”( Jaguars); and Red Indians, now the White Trash get lost from North America,begore incoming Yellow Chinese colonists!!! Few surviving White Trash ” indians” will roam across the prairies tgere, wandering what had happened to them!

  3. yuri says

    tuna fat such a child she down votes the truth
    “the least reproach offends amerikans–the slightest sharp sting of truth turns them fierce”. Tocqueville
    “amerikan parents lie to their children; amerikan children lie to their parents–it is expected…amerikans, especially males are troubled with a basic insecurity inadequately disguised by their bragging and boasting…amerikans are insatiable for reassurance and signs of friendship and love”. Geoffrey Gorer
    all sociologists describe amerikans as fake: “the cult of sincerity–amerikans are not sincere: it is a performance”. David Riesman…”the cult of friendliness—amerikans are only friendly when the want something”. Christopher Lasch
    “amerikans have been liars and braggarts for 3 centuries”. Daniel Boorstin
    “amerikans love big because they feel so small”. Philip Slater
    my Austrian friend observes—amerikans “fake” the nation of “excuse me”. I’m sorry”
    “the men amerikans most admire dare to tell them the most extravagant lies; the men they most despise try to tell them the truth ” HL Menkhen
    “Obama’s job is to lie to a nation of liars”. Kiese Laymon

  4. Poopy Pants says

    I sharted.

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