Liberal Obediently Awaits CDC Instructions on Whether It’s OK for Him to Breathe

Shallow breaths only

PORTLAND, OR—Local progressive man William Mollison is currently obediently awaiting CDC instructions on whether or not it’s OK for him to inhale and exhale.

The man is standing by, patiently awaiting the latest data on the CDC on if it’s OK for him to take a breath. He has been vaccinated, but still double-masks and isolates from all civilization, pending the CDC instructions on that. He hasn’t hugged his family in over a year, because, again, the CDC had come down against that dangerous activity.

“I trust the science, so I’m going to keep holding my breath until the CDC tells me otherwise,” he said, his face turning blue. “You can’t be too careful. We need to stay home, stay safe, mask up, and hold our breath until Dr. Fauci — may he live forever — gives us our next instructions.”

“I… hope… they… give… us… instructions… soon!” he managed to get out.

Finally, Mollison passed out from holding his breath. He was immediately arrested and hauled away by CDC Breathing Enforcement soldiers for his crimes. But Mollison says he’s glad to take the fall “for science.”

Source: The Babylon Bee

Text may contain traces of satire.

  1. Ken says

    Yep! Obey is the name of the Game today…. Love the Bee!

    Derived from the National Institutes of Health. A very good explanation of todays alleged plandemic. Far more accurate than the Center for Disease Conception and Promotion,

    Per National Institutes of Health
    Feb 3 2021

    COVID-19 and the Political Economy of Mass Hysteria
    In a mass hysteria, people of a group start to believe that they might be exposed to something dangerous, such as a virus or a poison. They believe a threat to be real because someone says so, or because it fits their experience. Due to the threatening delusion, a large group of people gets collectively very upset. In other words, a threat, whether real or imaginary, causes collective anxiety. The group members may even start to feel sick. Group members might also get symptoms of sickness including weakness, headaches, or a choking feeling, which are propagated to other persons. When a mass hysteria causes physical symptoms, it is called mass psychogenic illness or epidemic hysteria. The symptoms are caused by the stress and anxiety people experience due to the perceived threat. Mass hysteria is infectious and may be a contributing and amplifying factor in real epidemics.

    Continues to the nocebo effect:

    It is well known that in addition to placebo effects, so-called “nocebo” effects also exist. Due to the placebo effect, a person recovers from an illness because they expect to recover. When a person suffers from a nocebo effect, on the contrary, they get ill just because they expect to become ill. An intriguing and famous case of a nocebo effect is the case of a man who tried to commit suicide. The man was involved in a clinical study taking an experimental drug. In order to kill himself, he swallowed twenty-nine capsules of the drug, believing he would not survive. However, the capsules that he was taking were placebos, as he was a member of the control group in the clinical study. Believing that he was going to die, he developed serious symptoms and arrived at the hospital with extremely low blood pressure. When, finally, the doctor directing the medical trial arrived, the doctor told the patient that he had swallowed placebos. As a consequence, the man recovered within fifteen minutes.

  2. Voz 0db says

    They – The SRF & Billionaires – do have a Good and Tamed herd of modern moron slaves!

  3. GMC says

    I love these satires – thanks A E

  4. Mr Reynard says

    The above article isn’t a satire ! It’s reality today e.g. see loonies green & daemonrats ?

  5. yuri says

    not satire

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