Democrats Announce It Is Safe to Reopen Now That Federal Government Has Tested Negative for Trump

U.S.—Democrat leaders around the country are declaring it is now safe to reopen since the federal government’s tests have come back negative for Trump.

“The key indicator we were looking for before we could begin the reopening process was that Trump wasn’t president,” said Governor Gavin Newsom. “While we are at the worst point yet in this pandemic, it now makes sense to open– even though the science said the exact opposite last year when it was comparably mild. Because now, all the tests are indicating we have tested negative for Trump.”

Governor Cuomo agreed, saying that all his key science experts — the ones who haven’t quit yet in disgust — are advising him to go ahead and reopen since the tests are coming back negative for Trump. “When the tests were positive some weeks ago, we were pretty concerned,” Cuomo told a reporter down by the docks as he threw a dead senior into the harbor. “Now, the tests are all looking really good for Democrats, so we’re gonna go ahead and get started.”

Governor Whitmer last year cast a spell on Michigan so it would be always winter and never Christmas, but she says she is canceling the spell now and encouraging Michiganders to celebrate “the true Christmas: Biden getting elected.”

Source: The Babylon Bee

Text may contain traces of satire.