CDC Now Recommends Wearing a Seat Belt Even When You’re Outside the Car

ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has issued brand new recommendations regarding the wearing of seat belts. Health experts there are now recommending people wear a seat belt, even when outside the car.

“This guidance is especially important if you’re in a large group of people at the park or an outdoor event,” said Dr. Stiku Pumybum. “Risk of collisions leading to bone breaks or concussions dramatically increase in large groups of people. Billions could die!”

When pressed regarding what gives the CDC authority to comment on seat belt usage, they clarified that these were simply recommendations based on the latest scientific research, for the sake of public health. When further asked how exactly a seat belt that’s not anchored to anything can protect anyone, they replied with a statement saying “SHUT UP IT’S SCIENCE!”

The Federal Government has responded with a nationwide seat belt order for all public parks, buildings, and sidewalks.

“I don’t know what’s so hard about this,” said Biden as his aides handed him a juice box and tightened his 5-point harness. “Just wear the dang seatbelt folks!”

Bob’s Quality Seat Belt Company concurred with the CDC findings and confirmed that new “outdoor seatbelts” are now on sale for $59.99.

What a deal!

Source: The Babylon Bee

Text may contain traces of satire.

  1. ken says

    They would be more useful than those concoctions they humorously call vaccines.

    And I’ll bet if you investigated, you would find that Kill Gates is a major investor in Bob’s Quality Seat Belt Company and digging deeper discover good ole Bob is a major partner in Schwab’s World Economic Forum.

  2. Ella says

    Is this real ?😂

    1. Kieran DSouza says

      maybe not today but you can never say

  3. michael Houston says

    and even while sitting down to eat….makes complete sense to me!!!!…..

  4. Jerry Hood says

    Only zionazi jews are excluded to wear dipers and ‘seatbelts’….They were all vaccinated!

  5. Mr Reynard says

    Anti Empire, you should NOT give any ideas to our caring concerned politicians ?

  6. yuri says

    CDC recommends masks during oral sex

  7. Michael Arnold says

    I also have a condom on at all times! You just never know, right!

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