CDC Now Recommends Wearing a Seat Belt Even When You’re Outside the Car

ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has issued brand new recommendations regarding the wearing of seat belts. Health experts there are now recommending people wear a seat belt, even when outside the car.

“This guidance is especially important if you’re in a large group of people at the park or an outdoor event,” said Dr. Stiku Pumybum. “Risk of collisions leading to bone breaks or concussions dramatically increase in large groups of people. Billions could die!”

When pressed regarding what gives the CDC authority to comment on seat belt usage, they clarified that these were simply recommendations based on the latest scientific research, for the sake of public health. When further asked how exactly a seat belt that’s not anchored to anything can protect anyone, they replied with a statement saying “SHUT UP IT’S SCIENCE!”

The Federal Government has responded with a nationwide seat belt order for all public parks, buildings, and sidewalks.

“I don’t know what’s so hard about this,” said Biden as his aides handed him a juice box and tightened his 5-point harness. “Just wear the dang seatbelt folks!”

Bob’s Quality Seat Belt Company concurred with the CDC findings and confirmed that new “outdoor seatbelts” are now on sale for $59.99.

What a deal!

Source: The Babylon Bee

Text may contain traces of satire.

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ken
ken
7 days ago

They would be more useful than those concoctions they humorously call vaccines.

And I’ll bet if you investigated, you would find that Kill Gates is a major investor in Bob’s Quality Seat Belt Company and digging deeper discover good ole Bob is a major partner in Schwab’s World Economic Forum.

Ella
Ella
7 days ago

Is this real ?😂

Kieran DSouza
7 days ago
Reply to  Ella

maybe not today but you can never say

michael Houston
michael Houston
7 days ago

and even while sitting down to eat….makes complete sense to me!!!!…..

Jerry Hood
Jerry Hood
7 days ago

Only zionazi jews are excluded to wear dipers and ‘seatbelts’….They were all vaccinated!

Mr Reynard
Mr Reynard
6 days ago

Anti Empire, you should NOT give any ideas to our caring concerned politicians ?

yuri
yuri
6 days ago

CDC recommends masks during oral sex

Michael Arnold
Michael Arnold
5 days ago

I also have a condom on at all times! You just never know, right!

Anti-Empire