Case for Biden Sainthood Opened at Vatican After He Raised Millions From the Dead on Election Day

Jesus was an amateur

VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis has praised the initiation of the cause for sainthood for US politician Joe Biden after evidence has been uncovered that he raised millions of people from the dead on and leading up to election day.

“Of course the case will be investigated thoroughly, but the first indication is that this is a miracle of biblical proportions,” the Supreme Pontiff said. “Millions of people were raised for the dead—albeit for just a brief time to vote for Joe Biden. This is amazing stuff.”

Causes for sainthood usually only begin after someone has died, but Vatican officials thought that this event called for an expedited process.

“We thought that we should get this thing started now because of the magnitude of the event,” Pope Francis said. “And the process takes a long time so he’s probably going to be dead by the time we wrap it up anyway.”

The evidence is undeniable and the case should be open and shut—what Pope Francis calls a “slam dunk”.

Here are just a few of the many cases of dead being raised to vote for Biden.

Source: Genesius Times

Text may contain traces of satire.

  1. Raptar Driver says

    This is starting to seem like a cult following.
    Who else but morons would vote for Biden?

    1. Saint Jimmy (Russian American) says

      Exhibit A:

      DeBlasio’s daughter… She might have done this on purpose but I doubt she’s that smart. It’s more likely that they’re both just moronic thugs and really think stealing is ok, as long as it’s for the fake fucking cause they support.

      Mayor De Blasio’s daughter was caught in an embarrassing on camera verbal slip up when she told an interviewer that Joe Biden “was able to steal” the election.

      Just look at these two thuggish fucks…

    2. Saint Jimmy (Russian American) says

      Go ahead. Come over to the dark side. People are far dumber than you ever imagined. Accept it. The evidence is all around you. Most people are follow fashion to fit in fucking morons. Especially Americans. They accept shit because they think they have to do it to live and get their cold crap at McShitBurger.

      That’s the hardest part. Today, everything is different. There’s no action. I have to wait around like everyone else. I can’t even get decent food. Right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce and I got egg noodles and ketchup. I’m an average nobody. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.

      ~ Henry Hill

      1. Raptar Driver says

        I accepted it, I just have a problem wrapping my brain around it completely.

    3. XRGRSF says

      I don’t know of any of my Brother, and Sisters LDS who voted for Biden, and I abstained because they were all disgusting. By the way, do you know what LDS folks will be doing when the this puss pocket pops ? EATING !!

      1. Raptar Driver says

        Not sure what LDS means.

    4. zonmoy says

      zombies raised by democrip necromancers to vote for him. brainwashed rubes, pets made into voters by those voting for them, illegal immigrants, felons, probably many other ones that are not allowed to vote.

      1. rueda says

        Good morning, Nice Thursday and the rest of the
        Week . Take care. God bless.

  2. zonmoy says

    doubt that causing a zombie apocalypse is cause for making one a saint.

  3. Saint Jimmy (Russian American) says

    Fuck. I object.

    1. AmounRah ✔️ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ says

      This. Times 100

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