California Mandates All Food Must Be Consumed Through IV to Ensure Masks Are Never Removed

In order to save lives and also because of science, Governor Gavin Newsom of California announced today that all restaurant food consumed in the state must come from an IV bag or feeding tube to ensure diners never have to remove their masks while dining.

“Unlike some people who hate science and want people to die, we here in California love science and don’t want people to die,” said Newsom during the announcement. “The most effective way in the world to prevent death is to wear a cloth on your face and never take it off, even when eating. This highly scientific new mandate will help Californians enjoy their food without ever removing their masks!”

Those who are looking for just a light snack will be able to insert a catheter directly into their veins and get a continuous drip of nutritional fluid. For those looking for a heartier meal like steak and potatoes, restaurants will now be required to put the entire meal in a blender and push it through a surgically installed feeding tube directly into the diner’s stomach.

“We believe this is a modest and reasonable measure we all must take to ensure masks stay on and nobody ever dies ever again,” said California Health Secretary Mark Ghaly. “Plus, it’s totally scientific, which of course is the most important thing here.”

Researchers in California confirmed they are working on a mask that can be surgically attached to a person’s face so they will never have to worry about removing it again.

Source: The Babylon Bee

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NightriderXP1
NightriderXP1
3 months ago

The Bee is on a roll. Dumb down as many Americans as possible. It’s having some success in this community…

Bob avlon
Bob avlon
3 months ago

Can fool some of the people all of the time But, you can’t fool all the people all of the time, But they sure are trying. This must be a world history 1st. And who go every country to do the lockstep together, also a world 1st.

Иван
Иван
3 months ago

@disqus_JD2uye6MPr:disqus you’re from Crapofomia. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this.

Le Ruse
Le Ruse
3 months ago

I don’t laugh ! I see that coming by Law !

Иван
Иван
6 months ago
Reply to  Le Ruse

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Le Ruse
Le Ruse
6 months ago
Reply to  Иван

Now, you know why, they want to replace the US $10 note !

Eye of Horus
Eye of Horus
3 months ago

Hey, California is way ahead of the rest of the country. They have a way of figuring out how to do things even though they may start it.

voza0db
3 months ago

Babylon Bee is not WINNING THE RACE!

Reality is way AHEAD!

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nick1111
nick1111
3 months ago

With idiot Newsom you can expect

ke4ram
ke4ram
3 months ago

Love the Bee. It makes more sense than the idiot freaks leading the people into massive deaths.

disqus_3BrONUAJno
disqus_3BrONUAJno
6 months ago
Reply to  ke4ram

The problem is that too many Americans are too ignorant to recognize its satire.

Hal Womack
Hal Womack
3 months ago

Careful about putting ideas in the Devil’s head, eh what? There’s room there for only one or two. Otherwise, thanks for the laugh!

Jean Freeman
Jean Freeman
6 months ago
Reply to  Hal Womack

Google is paying $192 for every single hour….. Previous Monday I’ve got my first Mercedes-AMG right after getting my biggest payout of $35475 for a week..(6r25)… It seems un-believable but you won’t forgive yourself if you do not check it

(Go to “Home” Option within it to get details)

>>>>>>>>> http://www.bhst.us/googlejobs2020

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★:::::

Mary E
3 months ago

Hilarious! Great satire! Everyone needs a good laugh at this point….

Anti-Empire